"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm
"I invented the internet".
- Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer
"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress
"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian
"Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there."
- Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach
"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games."
- David Garcia, baseball team manager
"Sit by the homely girl, you'll look better by comparison."
- Debra Maffett, Miss America 1983
"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
- Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles, in 1962
"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something."
- Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated
"We're just physically not physical enough."
- Denny Crum, Louisville basketball coach
"Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon."
- Detroit Daily News
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
"Can you get a ticket for running a stop sign that is not
there?"
- Driver school applicant
"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before."
- Dwight Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
- Everett Dirksen, Congressman
"Boxing’s all about getting the job done as quickly as possible, whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds."
- Frank Bruno, Boxer
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President
"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel
"If you think is was an accident, applaud."
- Geraldo Rivera, talk show host, to his audience on Natalie Wood's drowning
"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity."
- Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House
"Does the album have any songs you like that aren't on it?
- Harry News, music reviewer
"Coming on to pitch is Mike Moore, who is six-foot-one and 212 years old."
- Herb Score, Sportscaster
"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons
"I don't want to ever, ever do something in life that isn't fun. Ever."
- Jennifer Love Hewitt, Actress, in the February Cosmopolitan.
"We're going to move left and right at the same time."
- Jerry Brown, Governor of California
"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad."
- Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to."
- Linda Evangelista, Supermodel
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota.
I"The largest crowd ever in the state of Las Vegas."
- Mark Jones, TV Broadcaster
"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding."
- Mickey Rivers, baseball player
"I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."
- Mike Greenwell, Baseball player
"If only faces could talk..."
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl
"All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium."
- Ralph Kiner, NY Sportscaster
"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
"Permitted vehicles not allowed."
- Road sign on US 27
"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident."
- Sign on backseat of Taxi
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Terry Venables
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
"The team has come along slow but fast."
- Casey Stengel, Baseball player/manager
"I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5."
- Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President
"Football players win football games."
- Chuck Knox, football coach
"Most lies about blondes are false."
- Cincinnati Times-Star, headline
"If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President on the concept of a manned mission to Mars
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
- David Acfield
Famous Last Words
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist in his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." -- Orville Wright.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
It's fireproof.
What does this button do?
So, you're a cannibal.
Are you sure the power is off?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms. .
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
You look just like Charles Manson
Let it down slowly.
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes
I can do that with my eyes closed
look ma! no hands!
Hey that's not a violin.
Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
"Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father." -- Darth Vader
"A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." -- Lawrence Welk
"Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." -- NASA techie
"And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about-- beeeeeeeep..."
"I eat guys like you for breakfast!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer
"Here I sit all broken-hearted..." -- Elvis Presley
"How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" -- insect
"No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'"
"Dammit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy ass and cut me some firewood!" -- Mr. Borden
"How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" -- Alex Trebek
"Yoko, why don't *you* try to sing one?"
"Took your parking space??? Well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!"
"Gotti, Schmotti -- Get the Hell off my lawn!"
Don't worry, I'm sure it's dead by now.
Let's split up, we'll cover more ground.
I dunno, press the button and find out.
Hello, is anyone home?
Oops.
Don't worry, it's not contagious.
Awright, let's see, how do we work this thing?
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
He can't hear us, he's miles away
I'll be right back.
I'm sure this isn't the poisonous kind.
Don't worry, we outnumber them.
Hey, what the hell??!
Hey, what's that beeping sound?
I'm sure it's just the wind.
Of course it's safe!
No, this tribe is peaceful!
No, I'm sure they cleaned out this mine field years ago.
Safety harness?
Wait, I thought he was with you!
What greencard?
Hey, what's this switch?
Don't move, you'll trip the sensors.
Yes, I'm single.
No, this cannot be, I am invincible!
So, you're sure this isn't loaded?
Calm down, of course I disarmed it!
What, I never signed any organ donor papers!
Well, it can't get any worse!
C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button. If it was, they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it!
Don't worry, they'll never find us in here!
William, is that you?
They can't hit us at this range!
All you have to do is connect these two wires.
There's only one way to find out...
Hey, when it comes to driving on snow and ice, I'm the best there is.
These pills are awfully small.. I'll take a few more to be sure they work.
Stupid safety labels...
No, no, these are safe, I've seen birds eat them all the time.
Watch, I'll prove it!
Blast off!
Nah, they're blanks.
Speaking of lost, where are we?
Wheeeeeeeeee!
I know this great shortcut we can take.
Is that what I think it is?
What? Everyone knows the Titanic is unsinkable.
For God's sake, Kris, it was just a cheesecake
No, no, no, let me fix it!
Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel.
Executed in electric chair in New York.
~~ George Appel, d. 1928.
You are going to hurt me, please don't hurt me, just one more moment, I beg you!
Guillotined.
~~ Madame du Barry, mistress of Louis XV, d. 1793
I am going to be face to face with Jesus now. . . . I love you all very much. I will see you all when you get there. . . . I will wait for you.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Karla Faye Tucker Brown, d. February 3, 1998
Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way.
Executed by firing squad.
~~ Erskine Childers, Irish patriot, d. November 24, 1922
Thank you for the change in my life you have given me, the love and closeness of my family and my beautiful daughter. Thank you for using me...
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ John Cockrum, d. September 30, 1997
I'm going home, babe.
Executed by injection, Delaware.
~~ James Allen Red Dog, d. March 3, 1993
Remember, the death penalty is murder.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Robert Drew, d. August 2, 1994.
Hurrah for anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life.
Last words on the gallows.
~~ George Engel
(He was one of four executed after the 1886 Haymarket bombing in Chicago)
I love you.
Spoken to the executioner.
Executed by injection, New York.
~~ Sean Flannagan, d. June 23, 1989.
How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries.
Executed in electric chair in Oklahoma.
~~ James French, d. 1966
I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Johnny Frank Garrett, Sr., d. February 11, 1992.
Let's do it!
Executed by firing squad, Utah.
~~ Gary Gilmore, d. January 17, 1977
I'd rather be fishing.
Executed in electric chair, Louisiana.
~~ Jimmy Glass, d. June 12, 1987.
Good people are always so sure they're right.
Executed at San Quentin.
~~ Barbara Graham, d. June 3, 1955
I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Executed by injection, Oklahoma.
~~ Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995.
Lock and load. Let's do it.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ G. W. Green, d. November 12, 1991
You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.
Executed in California's gas chamber.
~~ Robert Alton Harris, d. April 21, 1992.
It is the duty of every good officer to obey any orders given him by his commander-in-chief.
(Actual)
Shot by British as a spy.
~~ Nathan Hale, American hero, d. 1776
I am innocent, innocent, innocent. Make no mistake about this. I owe society nothing. I am an innocent man and something very wrong is taking place tonight.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Lionel Herrera d. May 12, 1993.
I don't hold any grudges. This is my doing. Sorry it happened.
Executed in electric chair, Indiana.
~~ Steven Judy, d. March 9, 1981
Such is Life
Executed by hanging.
~~ Ned Kelly, Australian bushranger, d. 1880
I love you, mom.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Clarence Lackey, d. May 20, 1997
Farewell, my children, forever. I go to your Father.
Executed by guillotine.
Monsieur, I beg your pardon.
Spoken to the executioner, after she stepped on his foot.
~~ Marie Antoinette, Queen of France, d. October 16, 1793
Today is a good day to die. I forgive all of you. I hope God does too.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Mario Benjamin Murphy, d. September 17, 1997
So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lieth.
Executed by beheading.
~~ Sir Walter Raleigh, d. October 29, 1618.
Well, the Lord is going to get another one.
Executed in electric chair, Georgia.
~~ John Eldon Smith, d. December 15, 1983
Capital punishment: them without the capital get the punishment.
Executed in electric chair, Florida.
~~ John Spenkelink, d. May 25, 1979
Adios.
Executed by injection in Maryland.
~~ John Thanos, d. May 16, 1994
I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth..
~~ Gehrig, Lou - Farewell to baseball, 1939.
I have sacrificed all of my interests to those of the country. I go, but you, my friends, will continue to serve France. Her happiness was my only thought. It will still be the object of my wishes. Do not regret my fate; if I have consented to survive, it is to serve your glory.
~~ Bonaparte, Napoleon, Emperor of France - Farewell to the Old Guard, 1814
My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you.
~~ Cohan, George M. Cohan - Vaudeville Act Farewell
I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility . . . without the help and support of the woman I love.
~~ Edward VIII, King of England - Abdication speech, 1936
We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex.
~~ Eisenhower, Dwight D., U.S. President - Farewell to the nation, 1961
It is true that a house divided against itself is a house that cannot stand. There is a division in the American house now and believing this as I do, I have concluded that I should not permit the Presidency to become involved in the partisan divisions that are now developing this political year. Accordingly, I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as President.
~~ Johnson, Lyndon Baines - Announcement not to seek re-election, 1968
Just think how much you're gonna be missing. You don't have Nixon to kick around anymore.
~~ Nixon, Richard M., California politician - Concession speech and farewell, 1962.
With a heart full of love and gratitude, I now take leave of you. I most devoutly wish that your later days may be as prosperous and happy as your former ones have been glorious and honorable. I cannot--I cannot come to each of you but shall feel obliged if each of you will come and take me by the hand.
~~ Washington, George, General - Farewell to his officers, 1783
E.T.
"I'll be right here." (after touching Elliot's forehead with his fingertip)
Movie: E.T., The Extraterrestrial, 1982
Blaine, Richard "Rick" (actor - Humphrey Bogart)
"Isla, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Some day you'll understand that. Now, now. Here's looking at you kid."
Movie: Casablanca, 1942
Butler, Rhett (actor - Clark Gable)
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" - movie
"My dear, I don't give a damn!" - book
Movie: Gone With the Wind, 1939
Dubois, Blanche
"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." (as she is taken off to an institution)
Drama: A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams, 1947
"Where are you guys going?" Wait a minute? I'll remember this! I'll remember everyone of ya! I'll be back; don't you forget that. I'll be back."
Movie: On the Waterfront, 1954
Helmer, Nora
"Now that life together between us two could become a marriage. Goodbye."
Play: A Doll's House by Henrik Ibsen, 1879
Joad, Tom (actor - Henry Fonda)
"I'll be ever'where--wherever you look. Wherever they's a fight so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever they's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. If Casy knowed, why, I'll be in the way guys yell when they're mad an'--I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're hungry an' they know supper's ready. An' when our folks eat the stuff they raise an' live in the houses they build--why, I'll be there. See?" - book
Well, maybe it's like Casy says. A fella ain't got a soul of his own, just a little piece of a big soul - the one big soul that belongs to ever'body. Then...then, it don't matter. I'll be all around in the dark. I'll be ever' where - wherever you can look. Wherever there's a fight so hungry people can eat, I'll be there. Wherever there's a cop beatin' up a guy, I'll be there. I'll be in the way guys yell when they're mad - I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're hungry an' they know supper's ready. An' when the people are eatin' the stuff they raise, and livin' in the houses they build - I'll be there, too. - movie
Novel: The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck, 1939
Movie: The Grapes of Wrath, 1940
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Hmmm......
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why are buttons on guys' shirts on a different side than girls' shirts?
If bunnies don't lay eggs why is it on Easter that we hide eggs from the Easter Bunny?
Why are things typed up but written down?
How come u can kill a deer and put it on your wall but its a illegal to keep them as a pet?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What does OK actually mean?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on the calculator go the other?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Is light still faster than sound when it's going through your TV, and if so, when you get a live broadcast from China or something shouldn't all the sounds come after the actions?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why is the abbreviation for pound lb. when l or b isn't in the word pound?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running foward?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental arnt you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Do cows drink milk?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
What is a male ladybug called?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on christmas lights?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If Jimmy crackes corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Isn't it kinda ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do birds have white poop?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
If you accidently ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
What's the opposite of opposite?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"?
If you try to fail and suceed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Why is the blackboard green?
Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?
why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the drivway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
What would happen if an Irresistable Force met an Immovable Object?
What's the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
how can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
Why are both male and female ladybugs called ladybugs instead of ladybugs and manbugs?
How can you hear yourself think?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
if you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
Why is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?
How can something be new and improved? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
Why do The Alphabet Song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Mary Had a Little Lamb all have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
How does santa get into a house that doesn't have a chimney?
If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?
If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
why are turds pinched off at the end?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
What would you use to dilute water?
What should one call a male ladybird?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
Do birds pee?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why is it at a Chinese restaurant an egg roll is called that when there is no egg in it?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldnt you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
Can a one-eyed person have 20/20 vision?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Have ex-cowboys become deranged??
Have ex-drycleaners become depressed?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why are things typed up but written down?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
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